I’ve always had a problem pacing myself. I’ve felt guilty if I take an hour or two, and do nothing, or do things I enjoy. I usually only allow myself this freedom if I’ve accomplished several chores beforehand. I’ve decided it is time to allow some ‘me’ time and not feel guilty.
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Leading up to Christmas, I felt like the Energizer Bunny. I kept running and running and running, the batteries were growing weaker, but I kept running, and then the batteries died and I hit the wall running. It hurts. It really does. Suddenly you can’t run anymore. You’re energy is zapped. You can’t concentrate like you usually can. Every little thing becomes huge. Normal sounds become noise. This is not uncommon for someone in my situation. However the important thing is to recognize it, recharge the batteries, and continue on, putting one foot in front of the other.
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But how does one do this? There are many ways; a professional therapist for what I call a ‘mental message’ helps, slowing down and focusing on the little things that bring happiness, connecting with nature, or talking to a friend you can trust who may also have some experience in what is happening. Someone who can lend an ear and listen, advise, or just be there for you.
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Why does this happen? There are many reasons for that as well, but for me it was a trigger, that caused a memory, that escalated to an ‘episode’ that caused my thinking to go out of whack. I tried to keep going and going, while ignoring the memory, thinking I could outrun it, but the best thing I could have done was to just deal with it. There are exercises to dealing with triggers, and I should have recognized the situation, but in my mind I was too busy for that. However, on a positive note, I did finally recognize what was happening, and I did what I needed to do.
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What did I do? For starters I used the knowledge I had learned over the past two years and went back to using some of the exercises I had been taught. I also planned to go for a walk around the local golf course, to get out in the fresh air and see the sights from on top of the mountain. The views are tremendous from the highest holes, looking out over the beautiful Bras d’Or Lake. However when I woke up the morning I was going to go for a walk, which happened to be Christmas Eve, there was a 4-5” white blanket of fluffy snow down, that had fallen overnight. How incredible was that? New fallen snow for Christmas Eve. Everything looked like a postcard. And it just seemed so bright and perfect. Instead of walking the golf course, I went for a walk along the road and out to Ballam’s Head, where there are several summer homes, and no person, or creature, had made any tracks on the newly fallen snow.
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While on my Christmas Eve walk, I concentrated on the five senses. I was aware of the salty smell in the air, the sound of the waves rolling onto the shore, the patterns the snow made on the branches, the sight of the rose hips against the white background, and taste of the snow on my tongue, as it melted and trickled down my throat. I looked up and saw eagles perched in the trees, as the snow fell coating their feathers. I observed areas where the snow had not yet been disturbed by creatures great and small. I wanted to make a snow angel but I was afraid if I got down, I would not be able to get up. Instead I tramped out a heart in the snow with my boots. I took deep breaths, filling my lungs with cold air. I listened to the eagles calling to one another, and in my mind I imagined them wishing one another a Merry Christmas. I heard squirrels chattering and songbirds singing. I embraced everything I could, on the walk. As much as I dearly wished I was with my brother for the holidays, I was content being home, being as safe as I could be, and realizing how lucky I was to not be alone.
Pretty Lamppost 
Snow covered twigs
I also took the four days I was off from work, from December 23rd to the 26th, and did just ‘me’ things. Did I feel guilty? I suppose in some ways, but I knew that I needed to decompress and engage in things that made me happy. I had a few naps and made sure I got enough sleep. Sleep is a must for me. If I get overtired, or if I have a few nights of not sleeping well, I can feel it in my thought patterns. I also spent time knitting, reading, cooking, baking, walking outdoors, biking in the basement, playing tunes on the fiddle and concertina, working on jigsaw puzzles with Mom, and I watched as much sports as I could find over the holidays. I needed to restore and recharge. I just needed to rest.
Going forward I’m going to slow down and smell the coffee, and the flowers too, feel the fibres of wool as I knit, taste test more flavours and be aware of where they take me, listen to the wind, the birds, the wildlife, watch more sunrises and sunsets, look for rainbows, feel the rain on my face, splash in puddles, and listen to my body and mind, and recognize when, and what, I have to do and do it. And no more feeling guilty when I do ‘me’ things.
If anyone is reading this and can relate please know it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to make ‘me’ time and not feel guilty. You are not alone. Remember to breathe. And if you want to reach out, I’m here to listen.
All photos taken by Hughena MacDougall.
Great read, and very true. It is very much the same way I live my life. Me time is very important.
It is and glad you are find ‘me’ time. It’s the little things we do for ourselves that are important.
Thanks for writing this, it brought to mind all the guilt about doing the things we love. I have not knit for a month and really really miss it but was too caught up in all the holiday to dos. I skipped my Yoga Zoom classes that I sorely needed for my mind and body. It’s always good to hear others with their struggles as it allows us to feel “normal”. Thanks for sharing. I am back to yoga and planning a new sweater and promise myself a walk or two. It’s such a hard time with Covid keeping up our spirits and hope. Take care- Maggie
Covid just adds to everyone’s struggles. It’s hard to remain positive, but we have to. We’ll get through it.
Another great read Hughena…. I figured that heart in the snow was from you…. Someone else asked me if it was me…… it is always nice to see messages in the snow or in the sand on the beach….. it always brings a smile…
I didn’t realize anyone else saw it. That makes me happy. 🙂
Nailed it! wow, so true, nature is the place to be.
Great advice Hughena, me time is always important. Love your posts
Memories are funny in a way..they can be triggers for so much…our journey means we have these memories whether we want them or not…makes me wish I could keep the pleasant ones and discard the bad !! The gift of Me time.. to unravel and rebuild is highly underrated ! Thank You for sharing..Happy 2022
A perfect prescription for yourself Hughena!! An overdose of the prescription is allowed.
A lovely read and beautiful photos. Take care and be “great” to yourself!! Hugs.
As always this is a wonderful read and I enjoyed your walk in the snow and all the beautiful photos. Thanks for giving us a window to your world. I know a number of people who could benefit from reading this. In the past years since I retired I have mastered the art of slowing down…sometimes too much I’m afraid but “what the heck”, as long as it doesn’t impact anyone else I’m ok with that. 🙂
Great article and love the pictures that you took.
Wow! This us beautiful! Loved reading it. It’s so true. Definitely resonated with me.
Your photos are also amazing!
I’m glad it resonated with you. Thank you.